Golf Humour

Peeling away the (Golf Ball) layers

(Cartoon by Al Rose:

Dear FORE!

I just heard a rumour about a new golf ball that has FIVE layers. Can that be right? As an “Old School” player (I still have some old Titleists in my bag with rubber bands and liquid cores) I’m struggling to see why I need all those layers.

“Balata Boy” from Ballina

Dear BalBoy

Firstly, I admire your courage to admit that you still have some of those old rocks in your bag, and also your fortitude for withstanding the obvious sledging that you must receive from playing partners as they outdrive you by miles.  Chin up!

Yes, you are correct. There are a few five-layer balls on the market, and they are touted as the next big thing in golf ball technology. Featuring a layer for each type of shot (one for drives, one for chips, one for putts, etc), it is sure to be a big hit (no pun intended… well, not really).

But why stop at five layers? After all, there are 14 clubs in the bag (or more, if you check the bags of some of the blokes we play with) and hundreds of shot combinations.

So, being consummate tinkerers and inventors, we have developed what we think will be the next big thing in golf ball technology.

Whether you need a soft-feel-high-launch-angle bomber, or a low-trajectory-high-spin-hard-drop borer, or even a mid-launch-long-carry-short-bounce-max-distance- no-spin-high-upshooter-that- drops-faster-than-Trump’s-approval-rating, this ball is made for you.

The Pollyparrot™ cover: Tougher than John Daly’s liver, the outer cover boosts exothermic perihelio-centricity for a straighter dynamo-trajectory, yet also promotes more spin than Tiger Woods’ PR team. Built to last, the cover is scuff-proof, cut-proof, water-proof, shark-proof, proof-proof, wind-proof, grass-stain-proof and bomb-blast-resistant, and features a Nukulawhite™ paint that is so bright it can be spotted from space.  Nothing, repeat nothing, can damage this layer.

Auxiliary back-up layer: In case anything does damage the outer layer, the ball will instantly shed the outer covering and replace it with the even more resilient ABL – even if in mid-flight.

The outer mantle: Featuring actual human DNA, harvested from selected PGA Tour players’ saliva collected during the Majors, this layer promotes the “X-Factor” in creating those seemingly unplayable shots, whether it’s an over-the-trees floater from waist-high cabbage, or a 70-foot-triple-breaking-right-left-right-downhill-uphill-side-door-finesse-putt, the ball will make the impossible seem possible.

Middle “Mickey” Mantle: Fitted with the latest in audiosonicontrol™ technology, the mantle actually recognizes dozens of human speech commands, and the embedded microchip then adjusts the ball’s speed-to-spin-to-angle-to-MOI-to-ROI-to-IOU ratio. Commands available include “Get in the hole”, “Sit Down”, “Get Up”, “Come Back”, “Bite”, “Run”, “Roll-over”, “Heel”, “Fetch” and “Not in the House!”.  (Expletive-recognition upgrade model available at extra cost).  

For those cold, winter days, the Inner-mid-outer-thermal-inner-inner™ layer repels only the colder molecules in the air– helping helps keep the ball warm for greater distance. When the weather turns hot, the Outer-inner-mid-coola-inner-outer™ layer wicks away moisture, while also stores the excess heat for use up to 6 months later (longer for Victoria & Tasmania).

The patented Don’t-Gimme-No-Lip II ™ technology combines the latest in geomagnetics and gravo-metric advancements to help the ball find the bottom of the cup, and avoid those painful lip-outs and horseshoe-comebackers. For those who are hypoglycaemic (or who just need a snack), this layer is also edible.

Our unique Keanu/Speed-break™ layer help reduce the speed of slick downhill putts, giving you more confidence — and fewer knee-knockers – when playing from a “tabletop” green location, while the incorporated SirHillary™ layer takes over for those climbing uphill putts.

The SnoopyComeHome™ layer is constructed using the latest in GPS Technology, and programmed to avoid being lost at all costs. Pre-mapped with every hazard, tree, lake, OOB and drainage ditch for every course in the world, this ball can never, repeat never, become lost.

In case the ball does get lost, The “Amazing Grace”™ technology contains a built-in GPS transceiver to ensure that the ball which “once was lost”, can now be found. (Note: GPS Locator Unit available at extra cost.) Once the ball is found, if the player him/herself is now also lost, the built-in Black Box Flight Recorder sends out an automatic distress call to the 19th hole, requesting that 1) a beverage of choice be prepared immediately, 2) better make that a double, and 3) send help (preferably via the beverage cart).

Featuring a single strand of hair from the late Dr Alister MacKenzie (his barber was also a golfer), the DAMn™ layer becomes active when playing any course designed or influenced by MacKenzie. The DAMn™ layer is constructed to automatically adjust the shot’s spin and trajectory to match the intention of Mackenzie’s design for the DAMn™ hole. (Other famous designers to be available soon).

Finally, the workhorse of this ball is the Plutonium-charged-Flux-capacitor core, which contains a mini nuclear power station for explosive drives and an electrifying short game. The 1.21 gigawatt output, when combined with an 88mph swing speed, can actually make the ball go backwards in time – allowing you to replay the previous shot before it was even made. No more mulligans or provisional shots needed!  

RRP: $89.93 (per ball) plus shipping, handling, import duties and airport taxes. Discounts for bulk orders.

Got a question for us at FORE? Contact us via the box below!

(Cartoon by Al Rose:

(Story originally appeared in Inside Golf)

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